Yes you who must leave everything that you
It begins with your family, but soon it comes
Around to your soul
– Leonard Cohen
It’s always country music in here, always. Always Patsy Cline, Waylon Jennings, Gene Autry, Garth Brooks, or 100 other people he can’t stand, and it’s appallingly clear to him now more than ever how he just doesn’t fit in this godforsaken town, but that happens when you lose the things keeping you in one place.
“Fly me to the moon!”
In high school, he swore nothing or nobody could keep him here, and his parents’ disastrous marriage only made it easier to get the hell out of here and head to college. But there she was, the one girl he never had the nerve to speak to in high school, seated right in front of him the first day of freshmen orientation at BU.
And, after learning the masculine art of making an enormous ass of yourself thanks to alcohol, he’d worked up the courage to say more than two words to her; after Commencement, they were married and both had their teaching credentials – hers in Art, his in History. And where, oh, where, was the place she wanted to return to, but back home to that tiny hellhole, so she’d never be far from her family but, unfortunately, he’d be too close to his own.
“Fly me to the moon!!!”
In the past 11 years, he’s made a tentative peace with his father, never quite understanding why the old man had left he and his mother, but at least they can enjoy an occasional drink together at the local watering holes. When his son, John, Jr., was born 10 years ago, he thought, like all new parents, that he’d be far superior with his kids than his parents had been with him; if he’s learned anything in all that time, it’s that he doesn’t know anything about being a parent or a husband, and when he left his own wife and boy this very morning, instead of bringing any sense of relief, all it brought was an aching open wound, a public declaration of his failures.
“FLY ME TO THE MOON!!!!”
Now here he sits, next to his old man, both drinking more than their share of beer, and he is trying to find the words to tell his father how his own life has changed. His father, however, is more interested in solving the puzzle on Wheel of Fortune.
“It’s ‘Fly Me to the Moon!!!’ Good God, how dumb can people be?”
His father always screamed at the television while he grew up, so it brings a creeping grin to his face knowing some things don’t change. Not that he should pretend to imagine that they are close just because they share the same blood.
He looks at his father for a brief eternity as the old man shakes his head and relights his cigar, demanding the sports car that the idiot contestant just lost; he can’t believe just how wide the divide between them really is. His father worked so often while he grew up that he was more of a ghost than a parent, and after he ditched the boy’s mother for a woman who, in turn, he left just like he left Mom, it made him wonder just why the hell we all look for so much love and acceptance from people outside of our families.
In all their get-togethers here at the bar (or anywhere else) his father has been more of a good time, fun-loving uncle than a dad, a side he certainly never revealed in the past (but one surely glimpsed by all his buddies when he still worked at the fire department); rarely, if ever, would his old man allow any serious conversation to trickle into their time together. Tonight, his father seems stalked by some melancholy that he looks tired of outrunning.
“I can’t believe it, Johnny,” the old man says with a sharp wave, and John is taken aback both by his father’s familiarity with him and his sudden frankness. “She doesn’t love me… Sweet, bloody Jesus, she just doesn’t love me. I finally meet a woman I can’t breathe without being around, somebody whose eyes make you forget all your troubles, and she tells me ‘I just don’t like you that way, Bob…’ You know, like we’re goddamn I’mteenagers, or some shit.”
The old man flags down the barman to switch up the beer for whiskey, but John declines anything stronger; he’s had enough of a jolt for the moment.
He knew his dad was seeing somebody new (wasn’t he always?), but he’s amazed that for once the ladies man was shot down. Normally, it was the old man who did all the hiring and firing in the romance department, and there’s a small glee in the back of John’s mind that makes him think maybe now his old man has an inkling of the pain and rejection John and his mother had when he left, but that vanishes when he sees the tears roll down his old man’s cheeks just in time to welcome the shot glass he greets his lips with.
Suddenly, he realizes John, Jr. must feel the exact same resentment toward him right now, but…no. That’s different; the kid could never understand how mismatched he and Junior’s mother really were from the beginning, or how much he has resented her more and more for keeping him in this cauldron of old wounds.
The old man slaps the empty shot glass on the bar and asks for a refill, and John catches their reflection in the mirror as the bartender bends to grab the whiskey bottle – amazing how he & Poppa Bear have the same posture, the same look of quizzical depression.
I better say what I need to now while he’s drunk and weepy, like –
“How’s it feel to hurt this much, you son of a bitch?”
“Goddamnit it, we aren’t that different! Why just today I left my family, too!”
“All my life I’ve tried to figure you out, but the answer’s been right there in the mirror!”
But before he says anything, the old man slips and falls in a heap of drunken laughter. “Ok!” says John. “Looks like somebody’s ready to head home.”
The walk home is mercifully brief since his dad only lives blocks from the bar. He uses the old man’s key to let them in; Dad crumples into bed but, just before he passes out, he mutters “Don’t leave me.”
For a second, John thinks he misheard the old man, or that maybe in his drunken reverie his father mistook him for the sweetheart he’s pining for. If that’s the case, then he could just glide out the back door and, when the old man sobers up tomorrow, he’d never know the difference.
John stands there looking at this helpless, unconscious, unknowable figure he’s spent so long trying to stop hating, then climbs in next to the old man and holds onto the only one he has as the deep blue dawn breaks.
Copyright (c) 2015 by Eric Peeper
LOVE WILL GET YOU IN THE END
“Being alone has nothing to do
with how many people are around.”
– Richard Yates, REVOLUTIONARY ROAD
Normally, she wouldn’t want to spend any of her free time around these people (she practically lives at the office, and sees far more of her co-workers than she’d prefer), but she knows the company’s New Year’s Eve bash tonight all but guarantees that Josh Anderson, the one co-worker she does want to spend as much possible time with, will be here. Donna Franklin is only 29, but she has had enough men in her life to know what a prize Josh is, and it’s more than just his gorgeous features – it’s his wit, his intelligence, their mutual old-fashioned tastes (jazz music and movies like “The Third Man”), as well as the instant repartee they shared almost instantly when Josh joined McTeague & Sons Realty just prior to Thanksgiving. Though she knows that it is rarely a good idea to become involved with co-workers, Donna hasn’t had any of this with any man in a very long time, and tonight she is ready to let Josh know that she sees him as more than just a pal.
Donna Franklin may make her living as the pool secretary in a realty firm, Donna Franklin knows damn well that she is far more than just her job description (even if hardly anyone else in this room does) – Donna graduated with a BA in English Lit from UC Berkley 8 years back, has written no less than six romance novels that no one has published (yet), and is a woman of culture and class. Sure, none of her prior relationships have worked out; sure, no one has ever proposed to her; sure, she doesn’t have any kids (yet); sure, she still lives with her folks here in Berkley (college loans are a bitch); sure, she has invariably spent the holidays solo (not once has she rung in the new year with a kiss), but Donna is equally sure that tonight may be the beginning of the end of all that nonsense.
McTeague & Sons rented a ballroom at a Marriott for this bash tonight, complete with an open bar, and there has been a helluva turn out; Donna guesses there must be close to 200 people here, and that’s a credit to her bosses inviting clients as well as employees. And, naturally, damn near all of them are couples.
Being around all these colleagues and total strangers making mindless small-talk (all she’s heard from these people is how wonderful their year was, how great their marriages are, kids about to be born, etc) suddenly makes Donna realize just how few close friends she really has; yes, she talks with her folks, but most of her best friends are ones she went to college with, and they’ve long since scattered to other lives, though they remain in touch. She gets along with her co-workers well enough, but not so much that she wants to spend her free time with them. Donna spends most of her time reading or writing, save for those periods when a boyfriend enters the picture; she’s been lonelier far longer than she’ll ever admit to (yes, even during some of the relationships she’s found herself in over the years).
Her bosses hired a DJ to keep things lively tonight, and he’s been hosting some karaoke for the past hour or so; at the moment, somebody Donna doesn’t recognize is butchering Elton John’s “Love Lies Bleeding.” In spite of this guy’s spectacle, Donna thinks she may try some karaoke herself whenever Josh finally shows. Maybe she can give him a hint of how much she wants him by singing something like “What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve?” while giving him the kind of looks guaranteed to rev up his engine.
Donna was indeed instantly attracted to Josh the first moment she saw him around the office, but it was his third day on the job when she learned that a real mind lay behind those baby blues of his. She’d been heading out for her lunch break when she passed Josh’s office and heard his soft voice mutter, “The answer is meaningless unless you discover it for yourself.” That stopped her cold; Donna was rereading Of Human Bondage, one of her favorites, and had brought it with her to work lately. Anyone who had read that book, let alone could quote it, was more than enough to arouse her interest (among other things).
“Pardon?” she’d said.
Josh simply pointed to the shopworn paperback sticking out of her purse and smiled. “Maugham knew what he was talking about.”
That did it. Instead of heading out to the park for lunch as she normally did, Donna spent that lunch hour eating her tuna fish sandwich in Josh’s company talking books and having plenty of laughs, and things have been that way in all the weeks since.
Aside from his weakness for great books, though, Donna actually doesn’t know a whole lot more about Josh yet; he’s always been a bit evasive about his private life, but she’s just chalked it up to a slight shyness, something she finds very endearing since he sells real estate for a living, and is apparently more at ease talking to perfect strangers than new friends. Hopefully, that will soon change between them.
It is just after 11:00 p.m. and this place is really starting to fill up, but thus far, Josh is nowhere to be seen. She heads over to the bar to grab a fluke of complimentary champagne when she notices, at the other end of the bar, the type of woman she hates just on general principle – a tall, blonde knockout in a low-cut dark blue dress, sans back. Of course, all the guys in this woman’s orbit (married or not) are drooling at the sight of this stunner and crowd her to get a word in. It makes Donna want to vomit; as loathe as she is to admit it, just once she’d love to have men pushing each other out of their way to spend two seconds with her; it’s women like this that make Donna so timid to even think about approaching a man because she knows, down deep, that this is the type of woman they prefer, and Donna knows she’ll never be in that league.
Donna turns her attention to the alcohol that the bartender just placed in front of her when, out of the corner of her eye, Donna spies a man stroll up behind Ms Bimbo and kiss the back of her neck. She notices he is even clad in a dark blue suit to match her dress (how fucking adorable), when she realizes that the man is none other than (no,no, NO!!) Josh.
When he slides arms around Ms Bimbo’s waist, and she reciprocates by tilting her head back to greet his mouth with a warm kiss, Donna feels a tense, vice-like grip strangle her heart in a way that she’s felt far too many times. In the past, Donna has learned that nothing does the heart more damage than an “I love you” said or unsaid at the wrong moment, but now she understands that there is one thing more toxic – knowing that there isn’t even the chance of hearing those three words from the one you’d want to hear it from.
She quickly drinks her champagne so she can slip back to her public solitude undetected by Josh, but, unfortunately, the second she turns her back, she hears him.
She turns around. “Oh, hey, Josh. Happy New Year.”
He smiles. “Same to you. This is my girl, Elaine.”
She and Ms Bimbo shake and exchange pleasantries. “You’ve never mentioned you have a girl, Josh.”
“Well, we’d started seeing each other just before I joined McTeague, and, you know… I didn’t want to spook our chances or anything. I’ve been through enough girls to know what a prize she is, and we’re moving in together next week!”
“Well,” she says, “congrats to you both.” They give one another the kind of look that makes Donna want to reach for the razor blades, and Donna has the nauseating feeling that Ms Bimbo can tell exactly how lonely Donna is by her reaction to how tightly Josh is holding her.
“You here by yourself, Donna?” Josh asks.
“Yes,” she replies absently.
“Well,” he says, “let’s not pretend to be strangers! Let’s ring in this new year together!”
“Oh, no!” she answers, her courage rising to match her bitterness. “I wouldn’t want to interfere! I’ll let you enjoy each other while everything is still so magical and wonderful that you both shit rainbows at the stroke of 12!”
They both look like they’ve just been kicked in the stomach. “Donna, that’s outta lin-”
She’s gone before Josh can finish his sentence, off to the restroom.
Donna avoids looking at her reflection in the large mirror along the wall of the ladies room, not wanting another peek at the person so obviously unsuited for anyone. She beelines for the nearest stall and shuts herself in, just wanting to be alone for minute and do her damn best not to cry. She should just head home, but that champagne has already made her a bit tipsy, so she knows she’ll have to hang out her for a bit until she sobers up enough to drive. On the other hand, maybe splashing some cold water on her face will help speed up sobriety, so she heads to the sink (proudly not crying) and starts her petite hands under the faucet when none other than Ms Bimbo herself strolls up to the sink right next to her to freshen her make-up.
Bimbo doesn’t say anything to Donna, and Donna certainly has nothing to say to her, so she just grabs some paper towels and dries her face, but she stops Donna on her way out.
“Believe me, I know how you feel,” she gently tells Donna. “Before meeting Josh, I was single for over five years, and I’d pretty much given up. But trust me, honey, love gets you in the end.”
Donna would love little else than to clock this bitch right here & now, just wipe that grin off her face and tell her that, indeed, love has “gotten” her enough for one lifetime, but… Donna just walks out without a word and heads back to the bar for more champagne.
Fuck it, she can call a cab if she has to.
And before she knows it, they have less than 60 seconds until the New Year.
The rented big screen TV next to the karaoke stage shows the ball slowly dropping in Times Square and the crowd in the ballroom joins the masses in New York for the countdown:
Donna’s saved some bubbly in her glass so she can “toast” the New Year. She’s gotten so tired of telling herself that this year will be different; that this will be the year she’ll finally be published and quit her day job; that this will be the year she finally finds a love that will last, so she stops herself before she can even think any of these things again, and –
“HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!”
Instead, Donna just drains the rest of her champagne to drown all the pieces of her broken heart. Almost in spite of herself, Donna gazes around at all the couples, all of them intimately happy and kissing in the New Year. She asks for yet another glass of booze, and it’s only then that some of her co-workers quit sucking face long enough to remember she still exists and wish her a Happy New Year.
“Oh, no,” she says cheerfully. “I don’t need your pity.”
They laugh politely, but she doesn’t think they realize how serious she is. That, plus the sight across the room of Josh and his girl making out like their train is about to crash, gives Donna an idea of how to show everyone here just how serious she is.
Donna heads to the karaoke stage and asks the DJ to call up an old favorite of hers – “Only You.” She’ll sing a completely sarcastic version of this, maybe throw in a few “fuck yous” into the lyrics, and then, before she can get booed off, she can give a little speech, something like:
“Well, love is in the air, and it smells like shit! I want to send a big thank you to all you couples brave enough to come out tonight and show us all just how happy you really are! I mean really, where would you all be without us poor single folks to bask in the glory of your perfect lives?! And I certainly can’t forget to give a shout out to all you that share your romantic wisdom with us single lepers! May the world always be up to its eyeballs in assholes like you!!!”
But she’ll save all that until after her song.
Now, the song begins, but Donna barely gets started with her grand plan before she drunkenly fumbles “Only You” into “Lonely You,” and suddenly, she can’t fend off the pain anymore of all her failures, especially the sight in her mind’s eye of all the men (including Josh) she thought would be her everything.
All her heartaches and bitter disappointments flood forth and, as tears spring to her eyes, Donna Franklin, without a trace of sarcasm, sings her heart out.
Copyright (c) 2014 by Eric Peeper